It has come to my attention that the links posted below posed some difficulties for some of you. Sorry about that. The code looks okay to me and I’m pretty much reposting someone else’s stuff, so I can’t say for sure what’s up with that. I can give you an idea of the questions answered, though.

Q: My neighbors have a rather gaudy display of holiday lights. How do I ask them to tone it down? A: Yes, I see why this would be a problem. It’s so hard to keep in the holiday spirit when others are trying to ruin it for you. I’m sorry you’re having this unfortunate experience.
What you’re going to need is two short pieces of wooden dowel, about 4 – 5” long, and a wire cutter. Go over to your neighbor’s yard and select the most offensive string of lights they have. Cut a 4-foot length of it with the wire cutters. Best if you unplug it first. Wrap each end around one of the dowels, securing it with a knot or just by wrapping it around a lot, or a staple or brad gun if you have one handy. Watch your hands—safety first! When you’re ready, have an accomplice—I mean—a friend ring the doorbell while you go around back and slip unnoticed into the house, because you’ll need to come up behind your neighbor.
While the neighbor is talking to the friend who rang the bell, quickly slip your festive homemade garrotte around his neck, wrap it around once and pull the wooden handles. At this point, you will have your neighbor’s undivided attention while at the same time expressing your feelings about his decorations. You may now share anything with him you deem appropriate, about his religious beliefs, sense of good taste, fashion sense, general appearance or bodily odor.

Q: My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for the past year and a half, but we can’t seem to get pregnant. In the meantime, our sex life has become very routine and scripted and neither of us looks forward to it very much anymore. What can I do to liven things up? A: First of all, “we” are not ever going to get pregnant. You are the only one who will get pregnant, because you are the only one with a uterus. If you have been trying for a long time to get both of you pregnant and it’s not happening, that is probably why. To address your main question, though, you really should get a younger lover. They’re enthusiastic, fun, supple, and have better stamina than your husband, plus they’re novel. It’ll make you feel like a million bucks!

Q: One of my good friends is about to be under house arrest for about a month. I’d like to get him a little gift or something to make him feel better while he’s in lockdown. What should I get him? A: [See the below posting on prisoner gift baskets, minus the one with the bite stick -- I thought it was just too rough for radio.]

One of the members of the band Touching Morons also asked Dr. Meg’s advice with motivation and goal setting. She recommended bourbon as a reward system. When questioned about the validity of that (what with the reward then becoming the goal), Dr. Meg pointed out that so much of the suffering in our lives is caused by the disparity between where we feel we are and where we feel we would like to be, and that that kind of equalizing of those two states is a very positive thing.

Dr. Meg also asked the owners of Ziggie’s if they decided to expand the range of entertainment there because so much blues music was just making them sad.

Below is a link to Monday’s show’s archive. It’ll be in there for a couple of weeks, so if you’re interested, do give a listen soon.

MP3
audio stream

Special Guests: Dr. Meg, Touching Morons, Ziggies & Du4roux.

Featuring music by: Keijo, Phil Kline, Citay, Led Zeppelin,
Randy and the Boomchicas, Rev. Lonnie Farris, Steve Earle + Forro in the Dark, the Dirtbombs, Taggy Matcher, The Dynamics, Du4roux, Arsenal, Psychic TV, Touching Morons, Sage Francis, Dan le Sac & Scroobious Pip, Robert Hood, A Hundred Birds, Shawn Lee Ping Pong Orchestra, Christian Prommer, Simone White, Old Blind Dogs, Flight of the Conchords, Darci Hill + Bob Long, Jim Pepper and more..

One of the wacky things I’ve been doing lately is visiting a friend’s radio show and posing as a really terrible lifecoach. Giving the worst advice I can possibly think of is so liberating, and I understand, somewhat entertaining. An archive copy of today’s show (which also features some local bands and terrific music) will be available later today here, at KGNU’s website. It’s been great fun! The advice consists of things like faking one’s own death, using bourbon as a reward system for meeting goals, and the like.

Finally, at long last, the position of Evil Bodyman has been filled. (Check the Evil Lair category for background if you have no idea what I’m talking about, here.) Welcome, John B. Evil!

In some ways, I think cats get a bad rap. They get crap for being predators in a way that people, dogs, and even lizards don’t. They kill small birds, so they’re evil, people have been heard to complain over their Chicken McNuggets. Cats also get a major ration of crap, though, for not being as goofy and effusive as pets as dogs are.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like dogs. I like their goofy effusiveness. I like that they’re always happy to see you, even if you’re a jerk. Sometimes, when I’m feeling down, nothing cheers me up like hanging out with a dog. I don’t think one has to choose a loyalty here: it’s okay to like both. I’m specifically talking about cats’ PR problem — and not as compared to something else, just by itself.

There seems to be an overall impression that cats are too reserved to care about people, and that they’re not interested in you and generally aloof. This, my friends, is hooey. My cats, for example, greet me at the door when I come home. When I’m already home and they’re lounging about in various places and Phillip comes home, they will all get up to come greet him at the door, and that’s how I know when he’s home, before I even hear him approaching. The cats know what his car sounds like and they come out to say howdy. When my alarm goes off in the morning, the cats come trotting in to say good morning. They get on the bed and hang out with me, or even nuzzle me. And it’s not because I feed them in the morning — they don’t get fed until after 6:00 p.m. They even know when I’m feeling kinda down, and if I seem upset, will come get on me or crowd around me solicitously. In short, they do seem to care about me specifically, and do not seem at all interested in, say, eating me or hunting me for sport.

I have also had cats that I taught to do tricks: sit up, shake hands, roll over, fetch. You can train a cat just like you train a dog: with commands, hand signals, and treats (I recommend small morsels of cheese — tuna is just too damn distracting for them). When my two older cats were kittens, I trained them to stay out of the houseplants using a squirtgun. They learned very quickly and I haven’t had to use it in nearly 15 years. Cats are by no means untrainable. Anything with a big enough brain can learn behavior, and an even mildly social mammal actively wants to learn the right way to interact. That’s how we all get ahead, after all.

The fact is, when you take over a mammalian social group, whether it’s a pack, or a pride, or a bunch of car salesmen, you get to determine what behaviors get rewarded, and that has a profound impact on the social character of the group. True, dogs’ social behavior is a lot like human social behavior, so it seems familiar. Cat social behavior has a lot of complex rules to it between pride members, and I don’t get them all, but they do, and they follow them meticulously. More importantly, I am the head cat, and I say affection is highly prized around here, so I have an affectionate pride of houselions. I reward affectionate attention (both toward me and toward each other) with affectionate attention and praise, which is recognized in the pride as being the highest form of interaction.

So, ironically, while cats are often compared unfavorably to dogs in the social department, the truth is that cats are actually more influenced by social interaction. A dog will tend to be effusive and devoted no matter what, whereas a cat’s behavior is directly and profoundly altered by the character of the social interaction you give it, and the social atmosphere you provide for it. As mammals, we all like praise, and pleasant interaction, and cuddling. And that is why my cats are nice. I submit to you that if your cats suck, it’s probably because you’re a jerk.

I got a comment way back in the “Dooced!” discussion from a fellow doocee. It seems he’s written a groovy book about blogging and freedom of speech that I figured y’all would want to know about. I paraphrase Erik thusly:

My book on blogging and freedom of speech on the Internet was just published — and you’re in it! Thanks for cheering me up a year ago. The bloggers will inherit the earth.

Indeed they will, Erik! Thanks!

Well, cats & kittens, it’s happening again. I have been called for jury duty. Again. For the whole friggin’ month of January. I’ll have to be available to go to a courthouse that is many miles from where I live, to sit around in a room and wait for my number to be called so I can be excused and not serve on jury. Again. It hasn’t even been a freakin’ year yet, and they’re already doing it to me again. Again. Sheesh, this sucks.