Another communique from Erik from a comment. I thought it warranted a posting of its own. Huh. I never thought I’d be a case study. When I did coursework at the Kennedy School, I used to really like those.

Hi again Meg,

This is Erik, your fellow docee from London. I just found out that a guy at Harvard uses my Blogger’s Manifesto for a course on “the arts of communication.” Link here: http://www.google.com/search?q=cache:QGAG59kRTE8J:ksgnotes1.harvard.edu/degreeprog/Syllabus.nsf/0/B1BAAA402BDCE13C852573D3006ADC6A/%24FILE/syllabus.pdf+arts+of+communication+kennedy+school+ringmar+manifesto&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&client=firefox-a

Isn’t that cool? I love the thought that all those Harvard kids are discussing your case, DeVry hiring policies, and reading those great quotes from you.

Got to do another fun show today. From here on out, I’ll be posting the terrible lifecoaching advice here as I dispense it. Do drop by for questions and evil answers.

Well, I wasn’t called for jury duty… again. At least this time, I just called in on the phone on a weekly basis and they never, ever picked me. It must have been the part where I told them I had a Ph.D. in international relations with a focus in political theory. I’d like to think I was basically daring them to use me. I’m sure they’ll summon me again soon. Hell, it’s not even 7:00 here. Any friggin’ minute now.

The next Ironfeather radio show will be a week from today, January 28 from 1 to 4 p.m. I’ve started a blog where people can leave me their important lifecoaching questions. I’ll answer the good ones on the air (and, of course, ignore the ones I think are stupid).

Some of you have written in to enquire about the November radio show’s terrible advice. We took a few calls that day and I don’t quite remember all the questions. For some of them, I know I made up stuff. But here are the texty ones I still have, anyhow. The next show should be late this month. I’ll keep you posted.

Q: I’m going through a really difficult time. I got divorced last year, and my life and my finances are in shambles. I recently lost my job and I have no family. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Please help me. A: Of course, dear. Clearly, here’s what you’re going to want to do: fake your own death. You’ll need to hide some assets first, because once word gets out that you’re dead, you won’t be able to use your bank account or credit cards—it’s really inconvenient. Maybe tell everybody your identity got stolen or you got robbed or something first, and clean yourself out. Put all that money into something sensible, like that huge book you have at home that you’ve never actually read. Now, you’ll need to cut a substantial hole in the floor of your car the day before or the morning of, because you don’t want to be like Fred Flintstone with your feet hanging out of it any longer than you have to. Be sure to save the piece you cut out and leave it in the car. You will also need to build a bomb or substantial explosive advice in advance, preferably with a timer. You’re going to want to park the car directly over an open manhole or other escape tunnel, so the Flintstone hole aligns directly with it. You’re also going to want to meet up with people who know you and who will be watching you leave—the more, the better! Wave bye-bye to them, set the timer, and slip through the Flintstone hole into the tunnel, ideally replacing the manhole cover behind you. Listen for the explosion, and scuttle off to your fabulous new life!

Q: I have a question that’s a little involved. Socrates said, “Let us reflect in another way, and we shall see that there is great reason to hope that death is good; for one of two things—either death is a state of nothingness and utter unconsciousness, or as men say, there is a change and migration of the soul from this world to another. Now if you suppose that there is no consciousness, but a sleep like the sleep of him who is undisturbed even by dreams, death will be an unspeakable gain… for eternity is then only a single night. But if death is the journey to another place, and there, as men say, all the dead abide, what good, O my friends and judges, can be greater than this? … Above all, I shall then be able to continue my search into true and false knowledge; as in this world, so also in the next; and I shall find out who is wise, and who pretends to be wise, and is not.” Do you agree? A: No. Next caller.

Q: I was home last week for Thanksgiving. My family is very critical of me, and they were in rare form. They took turns telling me what a failure I am, and even though I think they’re wrong, it’s hard to ignore them because they’re my family. I don’t want to break off ties with them completely, but I can’t handle all the negativity. Should I do it anyway? What can I do to recover from seeing them if I don’t? A: We lifecoaches are often saying things like, “there are two sides to every story,” or “nobody’s wrong here, and everybody’s at least a little right,” and junk like that. I think what you have to ask yourself is whether or not you really are a lousy excuse for a human being. Maybe they’re right about you. I mean, if it’s a dozen people who all have the same opinion and you’re the only one who doesn’t, it might be you who’s totally wrong. If you take a really long, hard look at yourself, though, and you’re still deluded into thinking you’re a decent human being, then maybe you would be better off being alone in the world than having to hear from people who disagree with you.

The cats really cleaned up this holiday season. Some folks who sent us packages remembered them, too. I admire that kind of memory and organization, because I rarely remember to get stuff for the furrier members of households. Well, furrier than my dad, anyway. If cats could write thank-you notes, I’m sure they would. They seem quite pleased with their substantial haul. My mom, as always, picked out some major winners.

One of the many entertaining items they received (from my auntie, who always knows what’s good) were the ever-popular Bizzy Balls. I am not making this up: Bizzy Balls are an honest-to-Jeebus mass-marketed cat toy that has been popular for decades. They’re hard plastic and have a small jingly bell inside. Jackie, who is especially partial to toys that rattle or make noise, is a huge fan.

Bizzy Balls have changed somewhat since I was a kid. They used to be two plastic hemispheres that looked like a small gridded globe with the bell inside. They are now more solid hemispheres with cutouts. This innovation’s primary effect seems to be a harder crunch when stepped on. Still, the sound of Bizzy Balls in the house brought back fond memories of my childhood cats batting them about on the hardwood floors of the house, followed by my dad accidentally stepping on the occasional Bizzy Ball, crushing it to bits, and the hilarity that would ensue. I’m not sure I can quite capture the experience here, but I’ll give it my best shot. Picture this sort of gentle, musical intermittent jingling…

Jingle, jingle, jingle jingle-jingle….

Jinglejinglejingle – Jingle — jingle jingle jingle jingle jingleingleingle

KA-RUNCH! “Goddammitt!”

I laughed so hard I almost peed myself, especially when my husband stepped on one of the new Bizzy Balls the other day, followed by a gruff F-bomb. Ah, a form of entertainment the whole household can enjoy.