We’ve all heard them.

“…and presents on the treeeee…”

The presents are not ON the tree; rather, they are under the tree. In fact, if the presents are any good, they probably wouldn’t stay in the tree if you put them there in the first place, but fall out and end up: that’s right, back under the tree.

“A child, a child, shiv’ring in the cold, We must bring him silver and gooooold…”

If he’s shivering, why don’t you bring the kid a frickin’ blanket? How the F are precious metals going to stop him from shivering, and anyway, what possible use does a newborn have for them?

Additionally, just how gay is this apparel we’re donning? Is it gender-specific? What does dressing like a bull dyke have to do with Christmas, I ask you?

Christianity is so weird.